The Importance of Talking Stage
I had an important conversation with my friend, Tumilara, and she noted some things I want to share with you. One of the things she spoke about was the talking stage and how she has come to realize its importance
Many people jump into relationships without realizing how important it is to know the person to whom we are about to commit too. I tend to believe that this might may, first of all, stem from a definition problem. For instance, what we regard as dating in this part of the world should be the stage where you get to know a person well enough.
This is what we dub the talking stage, while dating is dubbed courtship. In reality, dating is the same as the talking stage, while courtship is the outcome of the dating/talking stage. In courtship, there is the commitment to see that relationship to the very end which includes getting married, having beautiful children, and spending the rest of your lives together.
I have reasons to believe that not having the right definition of certain things can make us misuse or underappreciate those things. The dating or talking stage should be the period you are trying to determine if you are ready to commit to the other person. This is not the period where you get to give each other pets names, use endearing words, and do all of the beautiful things we tend to do.
The talking stages are for asking difficult questions and having difficult conversations. You want to know their values, goals, love & fight languages, finances, flaws, insecurities, family history, likes, and dislikes, principles, and every other thing in-between. You cannot and should not commit without evaluating if you and that person are on the same wavelength.
Do they believe the things you do?
Do they want the things you want?
Will they be there when you need them the most?
More so, you want to know if you are into this person. Do they tick your boxes? If they do not tick all the boxes, are you willing to make the compromise to live with them or not? At least, you know with your full chest, the problems or flaws you are walking into the relationship to face.
Many relationship problems stem from not objectively observing the person before committing to them. I know there is a social media narrative that describes the talking stage as a waste of precious time. But best believe I think it plays a significant role in the success or failure of a relationship.
There is no actual time to how long a talking stage should be. It all boils down to the point you realize they are the one or not. Sometimes, it could take longer to decode a person, some other times, it could be fast. For instance, during the first few days of interaction, if you notice about three red flags, I mean, your best bet is to run. It could also be that they tick your top major boxes and you notice it very early, that can be the end of the talking stage.
For me, for instance, my top boxes to tick are the lady should be a strong believer, tall, have grit, be self-aware, intelligent, must be able to identify her insecurities and shortcomings while also willing to work on them and of course, have a nice body shape. (shooting my shot to the universe). I do not need to have a long conversation to know that you are self-aware or intelligent. A WhatsApp chat is maybe all I need. My talking stage might be one week, and I am ready to commit. Some other people need to see you physically a couple of times to assess you, and this might span a while.
I will be willing to spend a long time trying to know you than have to break up within a short period. For this to work, we need to be intentional about it. As a guy, if I ask a lady out (possibly because I have done my talking stage without her knowing), I expect that she asks that we take it slow and get to know me better before she commits.
We must also be willing to let go when someone says they do not want to spend the rest of their lives with us. There is no point in begging or trying to prove them wrong. You did not tick their boxes, and it is fine. The best you can do is to know why and work on yourself. Maybe someone else would like you the way you are, or you have to work on yourself. That rejection might be painful but trust me you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.
Also, if you are not going to be with a person after your talking stage, the right thing is to give appropriate feedback. It could be that you have misinterpreted or misjudged the person in question. Feedback is to clear that misconception. Also, it is good that person knows what they need to work on to become better individuals. I have seen some talking stages end with ghosting. Why would you want to ghost someone that seems to care about you even if you don’t? End the talking stage properly.
It is important to note that the talking stage is not where you get to talk to multiple people simultaneously. It is a one per time. You should go to the next talking stage if the current one ended without a commitment. There is decency and dignity in that.
I am not negligent that talking stages can have a negative effect especially if you are hypersensitive to rejection or betrayals. But if you cannot handle rejection and betrayal, you should not go into a relationship yet.
I will end with this quote from time.com
“Love is a challenge. But life is a greater challenge. We’d like a sure thing that guarantees happiness and takes away all the pain. But that’s fiction.”
to be continued…