We know of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love languages. Very popular and well accepted. I also wrote about it some months ago and caught quite the buzz. However, there is also the opposite side of this which is not quite popular and mainstream which I refer to as fight languages
When we talk about love languages, we mainly talk about how we want to be loved, but we all know relationships are not all rosy. Some fights and quarrels happen now and then. How we deal with these situations can make or mar the relationship.
Someone can love you the way you want to be loved and can speak your love language the very best, but if they fail to understand your fight language, progress will be very difficult as it is very difficult to express your love language if you fail to understand your fight languages and how to deal with fights when they happen.
Different Fight Languages
There are different fight languages, but I love to classify them into two major sets.
- There are a set of people who want to talk about the issues right then and there when an issue confronts them. They prefer to talk things out immediately despite the heightened emotions. They do this because they cannot bear to fight their partner for so long, so they want to let it all out immediately and go on living life.
- The other set of people wants to process the problem at hand. They want to take their time to think through the events. They are not skilled in managing their emotions during heated arguments, so they wait till everything dies down and then bring up the conversation
There is no right or wrong way to manage fights, so it is super important to understand each other’s fight languages before committing.
I don’t like quarrels with my significant order. It distracts me from my work and every other thing I do. My love language seems to be physical touch, and when I am tired of trying to catch a break, I want to snuggle, or I need head scratches or something.
When there is an issue, and we don’t tackle it immediately, it affects my ability to enjoy love the way I want to enjoy it. Also, tension with my partner puts me off balance. I wouldn’t say I like it any bit. So, I am the person that wants to sort out issues immediately.
If I have a partner who is more of the second person, it will be an issue for me. She, for instance, will want to take her time to process fights and disagreements. In a bid not to explode, or say things she would regret, so she prefers that we have the conversation when things are more relaxed.
We must both learn to reach a compromise about how we want to handle issues. We must never assume. So, instead of the first person blowing off steam immediately, there should be an agreement with the other person that issues are handled after 24 hours. What this does is that it gives both parties the opportunity to reflect and process events and not say things that they would regret while also settling the issue as soon as possible.
Ideally, it is better to approach issues a little later as against confronting them immediately. However, we must accept that not everyone is built that way. So, also because you want to wait to process things does not mean you should take days before tackling the situation.
In essence, we must learn to make compromises, and in reaching a compromise, we should also set boundaries. For example,
- Don’t interrupt the person speaking
- Listen hard and well
- Do not walk away when an issue is being resolved
- Do not end the call abruptly until the issues have been resolved
- No insults.
- If you need time to think through your thought while discussing, ask for it
- If you need a break, ask for it.
- No playing victim
- No Sarcasm etc.
We must effectively learn each other’s fight languages the same way we learn their love languages. We cannot practice our love languages if there is a stumbling block. Most importantly, we must learn to see people as unique individuals.
Learning our fight languages is equally important as learning our love languages. The success of every relationship is dependent on how we handle problems together. Managing issues well is the purest form and display of love.
to be continued…